"Do you practice aggressive belly button hygiene?"

That's a question I never expected to be asked. And yet last night, in the Tufts Medical Center ER, I found myself answering it.

"Um, I mean, I try to keep it clean and rinse it in the shower, is that what you mean?"

"Do you ever....stick anything down it? Like a paperclip? To try to dig out lint?"

"Uh....NO."

But let me back up. I guess I should first explain that people in my family take weird trips to the emergency room all the time. Two summers ago, my 23-year-old brother somehow got pericarditis (an infection of the tissue lining the heart, less serious than it sounds) in Paris (hey, that has a catchy sound to it..."pericarditis in Paris"). This past week, my mom's cat scratched her in the face and she had to go to the hospital to get stitches. And of course, who could forget my adventures with Frances the kidney stone.

So I was not that surprised that after a quick visit to my doctor due to some unexplained upper abdominal discomfort in my navel region, she told me I should go get it checked out ASAP at the hospital, where she predicted I would get an CT scan to rule out appendicitis.

The first doctor of many to examine me last night, after asking if I'd ever pierced my belly button, concluded that she'd "never seen anything like it before." I will spare you the details, because they're gross, but I will say that there was pus and it was freaky. Really, is there anything more horrible than pus?

So she went and got doctor #2, who asked the unusual question about belly button hygiene. Apparently, pus oozing out of your navel is a common side effect to shoving random objects down there. Who'd have thought?

After I convinced him that I had not, in fact, been prodding myself with any office supplies, he said I had to get a CT to see how far the infection had spread. Luckily, it turns out, my infection is "superficial." Not as in vapid, but as in just beneath the surface of my skin and easy to treat with antibiotics. Whew.

But strange, right? Have you ever heard of a belly button infection?

The ER on a Friday night was quite a lively place. My visit lasted just over nine hours and I saw three different doctors and a handful of nurses. I felt grateful, though -- the guy next to me had to get a spinal tap. And I had to listen to it. On the way out, around 2:00 a.m., they brought in a belligerent drunk guy who loudly told everyone in the hospital waiting room to line up and suck his you-know-what.

The worst part? Not the CT scan itself, but the disgusting "smoothie" I had to drink beforehand to make my insides more photogenic. It was just your basic creamy vanilla/barium sulfate blend. Jamba Juice should really take note.

My summer, in pictures

Labor Day has passed, which means in my mind, summer's officially over. I left New York today like I always leave it -- broke and in need of a haircut. I'm back in Beantown, trying to get back into an academic mindset.

Before that happens, though, I thought it would be fun to recap my summer photographically -- it resembled a traditional summer vacation in that I didn't work full-time, traveled a bunch (to exotic locales like Colorado and New Jersey), and, despite all the rain, even made it to the beach a few times. So long, summer 2009! Thanks for all the memories.

small town 4th of July parade in Orleans, MA

my first Jewish wedding


hiking in Telluride, CO


winning a game of Scrabble against a very good player


free ticket to see Britney motherfucking Spears


weekend on Fire Island, in the company of writers I admire (not pictured, obviously)


seeing West Side Story on Broadway

trip to the Bronx Zoo

Crime doesn't pay

In just a few days, I'll be heading back to Allston. It's been a great six weeks and a good, long summer in general but I'm looking forward to settling back into my school routine. And I have missed my neighborhood and its (admittedly ghetto) charm.

A fellow Allstonian was kind enough to send me a link to today's Allston-Brighton police log. Here are some highlights of all the action I've been missing:

Cormac Mullen, 21, of 16 Dighton St., Brighton, was arrested Aug. 24 for allegedly stealing American flags from the World War II, Vietnam and Korean War memorials in front of the Brighton Police station at 301 Washington St.

When police asked Mullen why he stole the flags, he reportedly said that he was “stupid.” Police arrested Mullen and charged him with larceny.

**********

Two police officers were sent to the hospital and three individuals were arrested after an Aug. 30 party at 16 Wadsworth St., Allston.

Police responding to neighbors’ complaints about loud noise at 3:53 a.m. reportedly met resistance from the female resident of that address. When police asked her to quiet the partygoers, she reportedly told police “I don’t have to do anything you say. I’m a law student.”

**********

Police arrested an Allston man Aug. 28 after he assaulted patrons of Allston Food and Spirits with a silver-colored meat cleaver. Mayaner Reyes, 19, of 69 Empire St., had been harassing customers outside the store for most of the evening, according to the store manager.

A store clerk called police shortly after 9 p.m., after Reyes allegedly threatened an Allston woman with his cleaver, saying “Get me some beer, or I’ll kill your ass.”

Police conducting a search for the suspect found Reyes visibly intoxicated in his apartment, his meat cleaver in the kitchen sink. Police arrested Reyes and charged him with assault with a deadly weapon.

**********

Azine Kouyoumdjian, 53, of 39 Silver Hill Lane, Waltham, was arrested Aug. 30 after allegedly stealing $231 of produce from Shaw’s Market at 370 Western Ave., Brighton. Kouyoumdjian was charged with shoplifting.

**********
Initial thoughts:

$231 of produce? That's a LOT of produce. I mean, a tomato costs like sixty cents.

It's ironic that a law student would think she didn't actually have to, you know, obey the law.

Do people other than butchers really own meat cleavers?

Man, I can't wait to get home.

Remember McGruff?

Now that's what I call hospitality!

My friend Diana just moved to a new apartment and found a note from the previous tenant in, of all places, her dishwasher. The text of the note is as follows:

Dear new tenant,
The guy next door doesn’t know I’m doing this, but he is in #7. He is super nice and really sexy. But the best part about him is his huge cock. He has a really big dick that I am going to miss a lot. I wanted to let the next lucky girl who moves in here to know just what you have waiting for you next door. Knock on his door and introduce yourself to him! I’m telling you his big dick is amazing!
Good luck with it!
Melissa


Wow. Just....wow.

I especially like how "Melissa" doesn't feel compelled to share the well-endowed guy's name, either because she doesn't know it or doesn't think it's relevant. It's also possible that the gentleman in #7 planted the note himself...for obvious reasons. Regardless, I find it hilarious and (wait for it) ballsy.