The Truth

"I sure did live in this world.”
“Really? What have you got to show for it?”
“Show? To Who? Girl, I got my mind. And what goes on in it. Which is to say, I got me.”
“Lonely, ain’t it?”
“Yes. But the lonely is mine."      --Sula, by Toni Morrison

The above quotation appeared on my high school yearbook page. While my peers were quoting Dave Matthews Band songs, I went with this somewhat melancholy-yet-triumphant piece of text that resonated tremendously with me at age eighteen. Because for much of high school, I did feel like all I had was my mind and what went on in it -- it was all I could count on. Friends, even good friends, can be petty and suddenly decide to not be your friends anymore. Parents, I learned at age 13, can leave you. All you ever really can count on is you. This notion comforted me
rather than saddened me -- in fact, it's only as I've gotten older that the less cheery part of the sentiment (namely, the lonely way we all go through life) has hit home.

Disclaimer: Shit's about to get real on the Vagnino Monologues. Usually I use this blog to showcase my funny side, but right now I'm going to use it as medium of honesty, mass-communicated. One of the reasons I haven't been blogging much since moving to Chicago is that I have been very, very depressed. It's been a rocky few months, to say the least. And one of the harder aspects has been feeling like I have this happy/witty persona that I have to put out into the world -- the Katie on my Facebook page and Twitter feed is successful and always doing cool things with friends. She has 1,150 friends! How could she be lonely and depressed?

Something no one tells you about getting older: your ability to make friends and connect with people diminishes. Not because your social skills deteriorate, but because the opportunities to meet new people decrease dramatically. And you get pickier -- as you know yourself better and better, you understand intuitively with whom you would like to spend your time. And then there's the fact that your friends find life partners and start having families, and while they don't love you any less, they have less time for you. You don't have a confined social space (like a college campus) to ensure that you run into people all the time. You may or may not like the people you work with, and even if you get along with them fine at work, you may or may not have anything in common with them outside of work.  

Which is all to say that when you move to a new city where you know only a couple of people, like I did in August, and the people you know have significant others that they live with/spend the majority of their time with, life can get lonely fast.

I think my loneliness would be more manageable if my career(s) were taking off. But unfortunately, my teaching job here the past few months has been borderline intolerable. Just an all-around wretched experience, from the lack of institutional support, to the pay, to the students themselves, who were among the most disrespectful, unpleasant, and unmotivated that I've ever encountered. I love teaching...but these past few months, not so much.

And writing?  Well, I'm not writing. I've been too depressed, too consumed with grading essays written by students too lazy to even use spellcheck. Too busy working at my restaurant job to compensate for my ridiculous teaching salary. The idea of writing a poem, of having enough emotional and creative energy to generate something, is completely foreign to me. Which contributes to the cloud of depression I've been living under -- I'm a failure of a teacher AND a poet.  Good thing I paid 60K for a degree that qualifies me to teach assholes and not have time for my own writing.     

I felt it was necessary to come clean in a relatively public online space about all this in order to move forward. To own my lonely, so to speak. Having my mind and what goes on in it is all well and good until that mind becomes chemically depressed. Then it's just as unreliable as an unsupportive friend or family member. I've put out the feelers for finding a therapist here, because I don't know that I work through all of this on my own.    

So that's where I'm coming from. (I do want to say that I have met and connected with a few folks here and I mean them no offense -- I don't think my social life here is devoid of potential, it just has taken a little longer to come into focus. So if you're a new friend of mine here reading this and thinking "wtf, I thought we were friends," we are!  I just wish there were more of you).

Apologies for the downer post, but especially in light of recent events, being upfront about mental health stuff seems more important than ever.

Things are happening

I finally feel settled enough in my new home in Chicago to report on what my life is like here. After a slow and slightly lonely start (thank God for the Olympics, which made staying in every night watching TV seem like an acceptable thing to do), things are finally happening. Good, exciting things. Such as:

1) I got into a choir

In Chicago, a lot of choral groups hold their auditions in spring, as opposed to late summer, so many of the groups I was interested in had already accepted their new members for the upcoming season. It was looking like I'd only be able to share my vocal stylings with my fellow drunk patrons in karaoke bars. But I auditioned for The Apollo Chorus this week, and despite my inability to sightread bass clef (which led me to accidentally curse in the audition -- oops), I have been invited to join their Alto 1 section. With 110 members, Apollo will be the biggest choir I have ever been a part of. It's also the oldest choral organization in the country. They have performed Handel's Messiah every December since 1879. That's a lot of Halleluias.

And speaking of halleluia-- 

2) I am employed

As of the day I left Boston, I had nothing locked down job-wise. The interview I had in July for a lecturer position at Roosevelt University didn't result in an offer....but they did like me enough to offer me adjunct work. I am teaching two sections of English 101 (Intro to Composition) and so far, I'm really enjoying it. Roosevelt's rhet & comp program is just similar enough to Emerson's that I feel like I know what I'm doing, but just different enough to feel new and fresh. And the students are cool -- there are less scowling hipsters, to be sure, but so far, they seem ready to work and learn (with the exception of the girl who, when I asked her after class why she refused to participate in a group activity, said she "just wasn't feeling it").

3) The Big Quiz Thing is coming to Chicago, with me as the host/quizmistress

After side-kicking/Vanna White-ing in Boston with Quizmaster Noah for two years, I have earned my hosting wings and will be helping launch the Chicago edition. Starting Oct. 4, I will be hosting the best live game show spectacular on either side of the Mississippi on the first Thursday of every month. The venue: Uncommon Ground in Edgewater. More details soon....but if you're in the Chicago area or have friends there, please encourage them to check it out. I REALLY want to be a D-list Chicago celebrity by the end of the year.  

I am repurposing a silly Funkin' A! picture for promotional purposes:

             I look kind of like a game show host, right?

For the full event details, visit the Facebook event page!

4) The Food Committee is finally under one roof

My best friend Jon is the co-founder of the Food Committee, a very, very exclusive organization dedicated to eating only really excellent food in excellent company. And now, we're roommates (as well as Elite Yelpers) and can take our culinary adventures to the next level. I am convinced that Chicago is the best restaurant city in the country (yes, even better than NYC) and I vow that no meal shall be wasted.

5) I have located my CSO

CSO = coffee shop office. I am notoriously bad at getting any work done at home, so finding a place nearby with wifi and decent coffee is essential. I was about to give up on my neighborhood when I stumbled upon Eva's Cafe. It's kind of on a sketchy, weird block, but it's adorable and has good, cheap food and reliable wireless. This is where I will be pretty much every day I'm not teaching. It's where I am now, in fact.

6) I went to my first Cubs game at Wrigley Field (and obviously, they lost)

Baseball is the only sport I even remotely care about, and I love rooting for underdog teams. The Cubs are, therefore, totally deserving of my support. Except when they play the Cardinals, of course. Then all bets are off.

7) The cats are getting along

Actually, this is a lie. They are better than they were a month ago, but there's still a lot of hissing (Maude), growling (Maude), and food-stealing (Meaty). But occasionally they occupy the same room and ignore each other peacefully. So that's something. 

8) I'm kinda sorta maybe possibly perhaps dating someone. And that's all I have to say about that.  

     

That's all the news that's fit to print at the moment. Happy Friday and God bless you and these United States of America. (Yeah, I have been watching too many convention speeches).

Chicago! Olympics! Exclamation points!

Welcome to my first blog post since my move to Chicago!

Yes, one week ago today, I set out on 1-90 W with my mom and my diabetic cat, Maude. Sitcom fodder, I know, right? We arrived the following evening after driving through the scenic states of Massachusetts, New York, Ohio and the top of Indiana.

My new digs ain't too shabby:

There are skylights and an amazing amount of natural light. There's a dishwasher. A patio. A fireplace. Central air. I feel like such a grown-up. It's all so civilized. Maude's adjustment has been a little rockier, as her new home is inhabited by another cat, Miss Meaty. The cats are hopefully moving toward being civil or at least aloof toward one another; right now, there's a lot of hissing and growling and chasing. 

In between unpacking, I have also, like the rest of the world, been watching a lot of Olympics. I realized yesterday that I watched the Beijing Olympics also after just relocating to a new city (Boston). I think I will always associate the Summer Games with living out of boxes and feeling disoriented.

I love watching gymnastics, probably because it was the only sport I was even halfway decent at as a kid. I totally had the gymnast body, before my boobs came in: short, broad shoulders, strong stocky legs. If I'd had a little more grace and balance, I coulda been a contender. I was good at vault and floor -- couldn't stay on the beam to save my life. But I remember feeling awesome after doing my first unassisted back walkover. I was a good little tumbler -- being close to the ground helped. I went to All-American Gymnastics in St. Louis a few times a week. Other than the foam pit, the thing I most looked forward to most was getting a reward of a small bag of Farley's Fruit Snacks after practice. Nothing like some high fructose artificially-fruit-flavored gummies to ruin your dinner.

The best part of watching the Olympics is how everyone is suddenly an expert. It's easy to get lost in the moment, beer in hand, bemoaning to your peers how not sticking the landing is going to result in a 3/10ths deduction. I mean, we all sound like assholes. But it's all in good fun. I nicknamed this gymnast Bangs:

Bangs did not have a good night last night. Basically, the Fab Five could have done the Funky Chicken for their floor routines and still won gold. 

But don't think I always root for the U.S. -- in many cases, I'd rather see another country win because, let's face it, the U.S. is going to get a ton of medals. That South African guy who beat out Phelps for the gold? For the rest of his life, he can say he beat Michael Phelps, most decorated and celebrated Olympian ever of all time*. Yay for that guy and for all the underdog countries who consider it a victory just to make it past the qualifying rounds.

*until some other freakishly gifted athlete tops that

So here I am, in Chicago, getting acclimated. Gearing up to teach some freshman comp at Roosevelt University and hopefully do some freelance writing as well. Hoping to join a choir and maybe even audition for a play or two. It's a whole new world.

Firsts and Lasts

First off, I apologize for not updating this blog in over a month. I'm gearing up to move halfway across the country, and my plate be full. I do plan to keep writing this blog in Chicago and take the brunch blog more seriously AND possibly start a third restaurant-reviewing blog with my new roommate. BIG BLOG PLANS!  It's easy to have big blog plans when you're facing temporary unemployment in a new city and a recession!

This post is about some things I've been doing for the last time, due to the move, and some new things I've done for Boston bucket-list reasons. (Side note: a co-worker recently pointed out that the whole "bucket list" term/concept didn't really predate the terrible 2007 film, but we know seem to have forgotten that and it's become a culturally understood idiom. Weird.)

So last things first:

1. My last time helping out as a B-Cutie at The Big Quiz Thing in Cambridge. There has been talk of me starting up/hosting the Chicago edition of the BQT....which would be exciting. It's been a blast working with Quizmaster Noah for the past couple of years and I've even been "recognized" a couple of times by fans, which makes me feel like the awesome celebrity I've always suspected I'd become. Here's a fun video we filmed a little over a year ago in Harvard Square, promoting the show by asking people on the street questions in exchange for candy:

Skip ahead to 4:28 to see a creepy man ask how many questions he has to get right to win me!

2. My last class at the Cambridge Center for Adult Education. It was a really educational experience for me and hopefully my students, of which there were 6 total.  My students ranged from stay-at-home moms, to poets with MFAs (a.k.a. as qualified as me to teach the course), to a 95-year-old man who said that writing was keeping him alive. I do really enjoy leading a workshop, so that was good to find out and keep in mind for the future.

3. My last time riding the Bolt Bus from Boston to New York and back. While I will miss the proximity to the Big Apple and all my friends there, I can't say I will miss anything about the 4-hour bus ride with spotty WiFi and prolonged bathroom breaks at an Arby's in Connecticut with a two-stall ladies' room. Yes, flying to NYC is costlier, but if I never ride another Bolt Bus, it will be too soon.  

4. My last brunch shift at Lineage. Ok, this hasn't happened yet, but it's coming soon. Maybe my last brunch shift ever if I manage to not need a restaurant job in Chicago. If I do end up getting a restaurant job, I will make sure to wear a cross around my neck to the interview and explain that my Sundays belong to Jesus.  

5. My last concert with The Oriana Consort. Singing with Oriana this past year has been a lot of fun. I sang in German, Latin, Old Slavonic, Hebrew, and English. Our last gig of the season was performing at the 50th Harvard Reunion, where we sang pieces arranged by famous Harvard grads. We closed the concert with a jazz arrangement of "Being Green" (by Joe Raposo, class of '58). So I went out singing Muppets. Click here to listen to clips from the 2011-2012 season.

And some firsts:

1. Visiting New England amusement parks. I went to Six Flags New England on Father's Day and am going to the amazingly named Funtown Splashtown USA, located in Saco, ME, this coming Tuesday. Funtown Splashtown USA, not the be confused with their sister park in Cambodia. I have been wanting to check out FTST ever since seeing a billboard for it on I-90 two summers ago. I love it when dreams come true!

2. Going to Massachusetts' South Shore, specifically Hull, MA. I had been to the North Shore (Gloucester, Ipswich), but never the South Shore, so when a deal for Memorial Day at a B&B in Hull popped up on Groupon or one of those other deal sites, I snatched it. Spent two lovely days near Nantasket Beach, sun-bathing, playing mini-golf, eating ice cream and playing Fascination. 

                                
Fascination is this totally addictive old-timey Boardwalk arcade game that's sort of a cross between Bingo and Skeeball. Best of all, you win money, not lame stuffed prizes. I won $4. It was a proud moment. Also debuted this season's bathing costume:

Huh. I thought I had more firsts to report....I did cook with a wok for the first time last week, but that's not that major.

I do have my first Chicago job interview on July 10 (after a good phone interview this week) -- and that's thrilling since I have been assuming I'll be jobless and spending my first month desperately sending out resumes. If I actually could secure a job before moving, that would be incredible. I don't want to say more for fear of jinxing it, but just send me positive vibes on the 10th if you think of it.

Next Stop: The Windy City

The rumors you've heard are true. As of mid-July, I will be a Chicago resident.

What's prompting this relocation? Not a job. Not a lover. Not a quarter-life (third-life? I don't plan to make it to 120) crisis. I'm just ready for a change of the big, dramatic variety. I've been living on the East Coast since 1999, when I moved to Connecticut for college. And it's been good to me. But I guess what they say is true -- you can take the girl out of the Midwest, but you can't take the Midwest out of the girl. 

I'm feeling the pull to be closer to my kin. I'm tired of paying $7 for a beer. I long for strangers to smile at me on the street. I am excited to see my family, almost all of whom live in St. Louis or further west, more than once a year.

The hope is to find a teaching job or writing gig with some creativity (i.e. not writing ad copy). Till I find the right opportunity, I'll be dipping into my savings. I do have my housing figured out; I'll be moving in to the 3rd floor of my best friend's lovely townhouse in Old Town. For the first time in my adult life, I will have a dishwasher and a garbage disposal. And access to a kitchen/dining room suitable for entertaining.  My dream of having a spice rack may actually become a reality. 

This move means big changes for Maude, as well -- she will be sharing her home with ANOTHER CAT. We'll see how than pans out. The other cat is, like her, older and pretty mellow so hopefully they will just stay out of each other's way. Hopefully.

Not that Boston has been a bad experience -- quite the contrary -- but I'm excited for a fresh start, new people, a new city to get to know. I will of course miss some folks here, but I have 2.5 months to say my goodbyes. I think when the time comes, I'll be ready to leave.  

AWP Recap

Sorry for the hiatus in posting, but I just returned to Boston after a 4-day trip to Chicago for the Association of Writers & Writing Programs (AWP) conference. Students from Creative Writing MFA programs around the country attended, as well as authors, journalists, writing professors, and representatives from literary journals and publishing houses. There were panel discussions, readings, slams, book signings, and a lot of schmoozing/networking events with drink tickets. I'm exhausted, but overall enjoyed myself and met some interesting people in the industry.

Among my favorite panel titles:
Don't Stand so Close to Me: Controlling Narrative Distance
Jewish Poetry vs. Poetry by Jews
Gay Regionalism through the Eyes of Appalachia
Avoiding Sick Mothers, Absent Fathers, and Losing Your Virginity: The Tropes and Traps of Nonfiction
Quantum Narratology: Toward a Transactional Interpretation
I didn't actually attend any of those, but the titles tempted me. I did check out something called "Bad Poems by Great Poets," which was entertaining. It's refreshing to realize that even people like Wallace Stevens wrote a few stinkers. And to be able to discuss how much undeserved exposure Galway Kinnell's sex poem "Rapture" gets, especially around Valentine's Day. From a craft standpoint, it's just not his best.

The highlights of my AWP experience included hearing Paul Muldoon and Mary Jo Bang read and discuss their work, drinking with Emerson students at bars other than The Tam, and scoring literally dozens of free pens and notepads off tables at the Bookfair. I learned about applying for fellowships and getting published, and that unleashing a bunch of writers and academics at an open bar dance party results in utter chaos. You haven't lived until you've seen a bespectacled gray-haired professor doing the Worm.

I also found time during my stay to stop by The Wieners Circle, get dim sum in Chinatown, and enjoy a dirty martini at the very old school steakhouse Myron and Phil, as featured on the local Chicago TV show "Check, Please!" hosted by Alpana Singh.


My kind of town, Chicago is! And it just struck me how syntactically odd that song lyric is.