Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Showering Is Not Sexy

In intimate relationships, it is only a matter of time before one person suggests, "Why don't we take a shower together?"

In case I'm ever in bed with you, let me just be upfront about this: I do not shower well with others.

I know this makes me a weirdo. But the truth is, I'm not someone who loves the shower in the first place. Don't get me wrong, I shower daily, but I've never been the type who loves being in the shower and looks forward to showering and showers for as long as possible. I'm all business in the shower -- the business of getting myself clean.

If I have to shower with another person, suddenly a whole new element is introduced. I might need to make conversation in the shower, even if it's just "Can you pass the shampoo?" I will have to think about how I look in the shower and more specifically, do I look attractive to you, i.e. the person I've just been in bed with. That's a lot of stress. I don't think many people look sexy in the shower -- I don't think I do and no offense, but I probably won't think you do, either.

Here's what happens when you shower in a normal-sized shower with another person. No one wants to hog the water so there's an awkward back-and-forth shuffling. And you feel obligated to try to wash each other and try to make it sexy and romantic. The result is that NO ONE ACTUALLY GETS CLEAN, i.e. the entire purpose of the shower is lost.

And trying to have sex in the shower? Please, that is a logistical nightmare wherein variables like height and weight must be carefully considered before attempting.

My solution is what I call the Tag-Team Shower. Person #1 gets in, showers, and leaves the water on for person #2. There is maybe a moment or two of overlap in the bathroom. Both people get clean and get some alone time in the shower. Everyone wins.

Am I alone in this or does anyone agree with me here? Comment if you want to weigh in on this very important issue.


J.A.G. said...

I think you might find showers more sensual if you popped in that Forbidden Pleasure CD. "Blue Moon" might be a good track to start with...

Brad Urani said...

Clearly, the solution is to rig a makeshift shower over the bed

Anonymous said...

How pissed where these people when you burst into their bathroom, abruptly ending what was either a shared romantic or purely functional shower? Either way, you should have captured this on video.

Claire said...

I agree completely. There's a ton of pressure to be sexy in the shower and when I am cold I am NOT FEELING SEXY. Also shaving. -10 sexy.

kgagne said...

One shower. Two heads. Problem solved.

Anonymous said...

Ummm ok.... I think that you severely miss the whole point of taking a "shower" with someone. The object of a sexual shower is not to get clean, but rather to get "dirty". It's just for the effect of the extreme personal sexual environment. When you have shower sex the objective is purely sex, anyone entering into shower sex with the intention of cleaning is clearly missing the point. Plus no man wants to risk soapy lathers of shampoo in a region that could burn severely after an inexperienced shower sex participant tries to clean them.
- Sigmund Freud