Friday, June 27, 2008
Dear President Bush,
This past week, I received my economic stimulus check. And I just wanted to extend my thanks. It turns out that I am extremely qualified to stimulate the economy, and receiving the check only confirmed what I have long suspected: that I am cut out for a life of economic stimulation.
You see, upon receiving my $600 check, I immediately stimulated the economy in a number of diverse ways. Within the span of 24 hours, I got a manicure and a haircut, drank 2 glasses of prosecco, bought a pair of shoes, and illegally acquired tickets for Shakespeare in the Park. Without your incentive, I might never have made these purchases. On a day-to-day basis, I am a frugal girl, I assure you. I expend the minimum amount of income as befits a lady of my stature. But I would be remiss if I were to deny the pleasures afforded me by the glorious check that arrived but a few days ago. Indeed, it changed the very timbre of my being.
If you were to continue to send me checks, Mr. President, I remain confident in my abilities to further stimulate our economy. I might be as bold as to state that I have a gift for it. I effortlessly spend money every day. Forgive the crude simile, but the economy is like a giant clit, and I cannot help but to ceaselessly stimulate it through my instinctual penchant for shopping. With each swipe of my Bank of America Visa card, I can almost feel the rippling pleasure reverberating throughout our nation. For the first time in my life, Mr. President, I feel like a patriot.
What I propose is simple: you continue to mail me economic stimulus checks, and I, in turn, spend the money, therefore stimulating our economy. I am all too eager to serve my country in this regard; it seems to be something I was destined to do.