The truth about cats and dogs and me

I'm just going to come out and say it: I am not a huge fan of dogs.

I know, I KNOW. Go ahead -- gasp, guffaw, look thoroughly disgusted. It's because of these reactions that I've had to qualify this statement somewhat and follow it up with "I mean, I don't hate dogs or anything. They're ok."

Which is close to the truth. The real truth is that very few dogs have made their way into my esteem. Did I grow up around dogs? To some extent -- on my 12th birthday, our dog Frisco took it upon himself to eat/shred half of my new presents when we went out for a celebratory dinner. This possibly soured me to the species. The vast majority of dogs I've encountered barked too much, jumped up on me too much and just generally showed a lack of intelligence that I found to be distasteful. But saying you don't like dogs is like saying you're against cancer research or that maybe Hitler had the right idea. Not liking dogs is un-American, it's suspicious, it's downright unnatural.

Cats, on the other hand? I love cats. They don't bark. You don't have to take them out. They seem smarter than dogs, even if that's not true. They are selective with their affection, like me. But people love to hate on cats. "Cats are snobby," they say. "They don't love you like dogs do." Unconditional, unqualified love that I don't have to do anything to earn, however, is not something I look for in pets or people.

So I'm a cat lady. And proud of it. Don't get me wrong -- not all cats are awesome. As a kid, I had a high-strung cat named Thelma who loved to pee on my dad's dry cleaning. Thelma had some emotional problems -- she was even taking kitty antidepressants for a while. But her distress and subsequent urinary acting out, I think, was due to the fact that she had to hold her own against not one, not two, but THREE large dogs that joined our household when my dad remarried a dog lover. Can you blame her?

Cats currently (or recently) in my life:

Happy, my youngest brother's cat. For some time, Happy's sex was disputed. Now we are 99% sure he is male. Fortunately, the name is gender-neutral.

Maude. This pose makes it clear why one of her nicknames is "furry little whale."

This is Natasha, my ex-boyfriend's cat. She might be autistic, but she's sweet and I felt like giving her a shout-out.

Sparky, my mom's little-old-man cat. In his humiliating Christmas collar.

I've saved the weirdest for last:

My mom's other cat, Nicky. Who looks half-kangaroo, half-alien. This cat is WEIRD.

Anyway, that's probably enough feline love for one day.