Sunday, April 12, 2009

Rock of Love Bus: Finale!

Friends and Poison fans! It's Easter Sunday, which was clearly a big day for Jesus. It's also a big day for Bret Michaels-- tonight we learn which of his two remaining "beauties" has won his heart and will be his (third) Rock of Love. Will he choose buck-toothed Mindy or Penthouse Pet "Taya" (her real name is Laurie)?

I'm live-blogging my observations on the final episode, which is a first, so I guess it's a big day for me too. Here we go!

8:50 pm: My pre-finale thoughts
I kind of hate both "Taya" and Mindy....but in my gut, I think he's going to pick Mindy. "Taya" is hotter, but so fake and vapid. Truthfully, I'm hoping for a crazy, unpredictable outcome, such as:

1) Bret chooses neither and dramatically says "I choose ME!" while the girls sob in disbelief.

2) Bret chooses Heather, like he should have two seasons ago. They get married on the Reunion Special, with Ashley and Farrah as bridesmaids. Big John officiates.

9:01 pm: Season recap
We see all the moments that made the past few months so sleazy and entertaining. Mindy's victory at MudBowl, "Taya" announcing to everyone that she's Pet of the Year. And some choice quotations that illustrate just how much brains matter to Bret:

"In a game of love, I always lose" -- Mindy
"When this is over, it's going to be he and I" -- "Taya"

(Wait, is Taya's sentence grammatically correct? It might be. I should know, but I'm too lazy to look it up. Regardless, I think it sounds awkward and would have said instead "when this is over, it's going to be the two of us." Or maybe just "This bitch is toast" to be concise.)

9:04 pm
: Breakfast in Florida
Bret looks especially lame this morning (his wig needs some maintenance) and is inexplicably wearing sunglasses inside. He tells the girls that they are hopping on a private jet to the Dominican Republic and that "bikinis are not optional. They are mandatory."

9:12 pm
: Arrival at the hotel in the DR
In preparation for their evening one-on-one date, Mindy jots down some notes about things she wants to be sure to talk about with Bret. I wish the camera would zoom in closer so we could see Mindy's thoughts on paper. I'm betting she's as eloquent on the page as she is in person.

9:22 pm
: Mindy's date
Mindy is totally tongue-tied at dinner and can't seem to find the right moment to whip her notes out of her purse. This is probably because it's actually NEVER appropriate to take out notes on what you want to say on a date. I'm starting to think my prediction of Mindy winning is wrong. This girl can't hold up her end of a conversation with Bret motherfucking Michaels.
Nevertheless, Bret seems determined to loosen her up and insists she take her glass of wine with her when they leave dinner. Usually restaurants don't like it when you steal glassware, Bret.

Bret and Mindy get a tango lesson and dance awkwardly. Then they sit on the beach and Mindy is finally drunk enough to think taking out her notes is a good idea. They make out a little bit and then retire back to Bret's room. The camera pans wide to show us that Bret is staying in one of two "Ambassador Suites" at the resort.

9:25 pm: Commercial break
Wow, Ghosts of Girlfriends Past looks really bad. Jennifer Garner needs a new agent.

9:32 pm
: Bret's date with "Taya"
It seems that Bret has planned an all-day date with "Taya," implying he wants to spend more time with her than Mindy. Not looking good for Team Bucktooth. Bret and "Taya" go ziplining through the jungle, which I have always wanted to do. I am momentarily envious of "Taya."

Bret interviews that he's really into "Taya," but is still concerned about her Penthouse connections. This is probably to set up the "Coming Up..." montage, which includes an obvious fake-out wherein "Taya" confesses to being full of shit and only on the show to promote her career. But even out of context, it's 100% clear she's being sarcastic. Give your viewers a little more credit, VH1!

9:40 pm: "Taya" is a lady (!)
Bret leads "Taya" back to his Ambassador Suite, presumably to get her to touch his backstage pass, as the theme song used to say (sidenote: anyone else prefer the old theme?). BUT, after some light cuddling, "Taya" decides to leave! She will not spend the night with Bret like the whorish Mindy. This strikes me as a smart strategic move. Bret has already slept with Mindy, but he can't get into "Taya" 's pants unless she wins. Clever!

9:43 pm: Day of elimination
Bret treats the girls to a day at the spa. There is extensive footage of Mindy getting her upper lip waxed. She rambles on about love being painful, love in this case meaning waxing. This is not the edit of a Rock of Love winner. Uh-oh.

"Taya," who as a Penthouse Pet presumably had fewer waxing needs, returns to the hotel room first. Inside, there are two representatives from some jewelry store with diamond rings! They tell "Taya" to pick out her favorite; same drill with Mindy when she comes home. Both girls are shocked, but pleased at this turn of events.

9:50 pm: Elimination
We see the girls donning long, shiny, backless low-cut gowns. They walk to the beach and wait for their Bandana'd Beau. Bret arrives, looking surprisingly casual. Last season, he wore a gold suit to the last elimination; tonight, he's wearing jeans and a t-shirt. Maybe my "I choose me" scenario isn't off-base after all!

Mindy and "Taya" both think they have this in the bag. "Taya" uses the adjective "brilliant" to describe Bret. Both girls actually look pretty hot. Bret claims this is "the last time" he's going to do least until the Season 4 contract negotiations are over.

9:53 pm: Commercial break.
I'm ashamed to admit that this is kind of a nailbiter....

9:57 pm: Rock of Love
Bret calls Mindy forward first. Though she interviews that she's excited when she's called, her crestfallen face gives away the fact that like most viewers, she's watched the previous two seasons of this show and knows that Bret calls the girl he's eliminating first. As expected, Bret tells Mindy her tour ends here. Mindy seems weirdly calm and in her exit voiceover, says that Bret is not who she thought he was and he's just an asshole in a rockstar costume or something.

While Bret is talking to Mindy, "Taya" does her best impression of someone who does not know she has just won a reality show competition. Finally, Mindy wanders off on the beach alone. Bret calls "Taya" forward and says he's in love with her and the ring is for her...but not right now. Once they are sure they are right for each other, he'll give her the ring. Blah blah blah they kiss. The end. I wonder if now that they're a couple, he'll call her by her actual name. "Laurie" doesn't quite have the same ring as "Taya."

Final thought: It was somewhat suspenseful, but "Taya" was such a twit from the get-go that I found it hard to care. If Ashley had made it to the finale, it would have been so amazing....frozen dinners would have been thrown and there most likely would have been a not insignificant amount of puke. Oh well.


Tom said...

I neglected to share with you how brilliant I thought this was. Rich's recaps of the Reunion Show on the VH1 blog are pretty genius if you have not read them yet. They ALMOST make up for the limited screentime that DJ Lady Tribe got on the actual show (btw I think we should order "Blondourage" [sic] t-shirts).

J.A.G. said...

"It's Easter Sunday, which was clearly a big day for Jesus."

Yes. It's funny cause he probably sees Rock of Love on TV on Easter and thinks, "that's about me!"