Say what you want about Fox....

but it has provided us with some amazing cultural gems. As a news network, obviously, it is a complete joke, but from an entertainment perspective it's hard to deny their uniquely lowbrow contributions.

Take the Fox Reality Network, for example: an entire cable station that just plays reality television, 24-7. Look me in the eye and tell me you don't like watching reruns of "When Animals Attack" after a few dozen beers. A network that shows you this has got some balls:

But my favorite program on Fox, which according to my DVR might no longer be recording new episodes (sniffle) is "Battle of the Bods," a show where you can actually feel the Woman's Movement receding as you watch. The premise? Five scantily clad women parade around a stage and a panel of men in a soundproof room rate their bodies. The girls try to guess the men's rankings in a few different categories, such as "Face" and "Breasts." If they guess right, they win a small amount of money. But first, they cattily argue over who has the best ass and the straighter teeth. On national television. What would Gertrude Stein say?

The host, Olivia Lee, is like a D-grade version Cat Deeley of Fox's "So You Think You Can Dance." They are both tall, blond, and have over-the-top Brit accents.

Cat Deeley



















Olivia Lee



Is Olivia's dress from Forever 21? It wouldn't surprise me, given that "Battle of the Bods" appears to have a production budget of about $.48.










Seriously, the set looks like a sleazy hotel lobby:


Yes, in that photo you are actually seeing adult women in the 21st century comparing ass-cheek cellulite. I have to agree with Slate's Troy Patterson that the show is "innovatively vile." I can't begin to imagine what would motivate anyone to go on this show. It's like negative minutes of fame. Still, perhaps out of my incomprehension over how such a show exists, I have watched many an episode, slack-jawed.

On the other hand, "So You Think You Can Dance" is a great piece of reality television. I love its vaguely Eastern-European vibe -- there's something distinctly foreign about the show's aesthetic.

And who wouldn't want to be drunk at a wedding with Nigel and Mia Michaels? Nigel would be the sleazy uncle who makes inappropriate comments about how nicely the bride has developed, and Mia would wear a crazy miniature hat and hoard passed appetizers in her purse.

Personally, I'd like Fox to develop a show hosted by these two:















Rainbows would melt.









The best part about being on a reality show, though, has to be the exit montage. It must be so great to watch a video chronicling how awesome you are. I wish at the end of every week, Ryan Seacrest and Cat Deeley would show up in my bedroom and say, "Well, Katie, it's the end of the week for you, but let's a take a last look at some of your best moments."

A song by Chris Daughtry would play and highlights from my week would flash across a spontaneously-materialized gigantic plasma screen: me getting coffee from my local guy in Greenpoint, arguing with a cab driver when I try to pay with a credit card, looking winsome as I play my next Scrabulous move on Facebook.

So in conclusion, I'm glad that Fox exists, despite the misinformation they spread about Iraq Hussein Osama. As long as you've seen "Outfoxed" (and if you haven't, Netflix it now), you can feel fine about watching the upcoming "Real Stories of the Highway Patrol" marathon (check your local listings for exact times).

Cats are not from this planet

Exhibit A:

Besides looking like a pinhead or some rare breed of kangaroo, it's very unusual for cats to lie flat on their backs and completely expose their bellies to predators and/or bored humans.


Exhibit B (and please don't call the ASPCA):

OTB, here I come

I never understood horse races -- why people care about them and are willing to risk money on them -- until today, when I had the pleasure of attending the 53rd Annual Coconino County Horse Race in Flagstaff, Arizona. In the very first race, I tasted victory and got hooked. It turned out to be a false victory -- a photo finish proved that my horse, Wired Wrong, actually came in 4th -- but it was enough to keep me betting. At $2 a pop, it's very low stakes but still quite fun. Coors Light in hand, I studied the stakes and ended up $4 richer than when I started. I spent my winnings on a corndog.

Even more fascinating than the actual races, however, was the program guide. For each race, you can read up on the competing horses and their respective track records. I became immersed in the lingo (trifectas! exactas!) and like Carrie Bradshaw, I "got to thinking" about my life, in horse racing terms. It would be fair to say that, like Easy Quick Dash, I "drifted out late." Like most, I "broke awkwardly." I certainly haven't "led throughout," like Not by Choice. But would history ultimately determine that I was "no real threat" like Butter Money? Or even worse, that I was "never in contention"?

Regardless of my standing, I like the concept of "win, place, show": it's a nice way to have faith while allowing for the possibility that you won't get exactly what you want. It's kind of the best we can hope for, to at least place or show.

The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few

Or the one, said Spock in "Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan." It's a noble sentiment and by that token, I should continue to blog whilst on vacation, for the sake of my many multitudes of readers. However, I am going to go lay out on my mom's roof deck in Seattle instead. And speaking of needs, it's 3:30 pm here, a.k.a wine o'clock. So, apologies in advance for sporadic posting over the next week...I will however, post these awesome photos because I'm guessing some of you have forgotten Kirstie Alley's humble beginnings:


She looks kind of good as a Vulcan, no?